Raoul's TGIF Joke of the Week

June 23 , 2006

Greetings workers of the world! As you know, I just re-send the best joke(s) I get from the emails I gather for that one week. If this is your first time to receive this, welcome to a new and (hopefully) entertaining addiction!

You can tell when summer is coming. It's when people send more jokes and seem to have leisure in their minds. Whoever writes these jokes seem to have more time in their hands too as I noticed several new jokes. Thanks to Russ of Monrovia who sent this joke about Saint Peter and a pesky doorbell. Shag and Dave of New York sent the same video of a very strange magic trick that leaves you guessing. Shag of New York sent a delightful collection of grandparent encounters with their grandkids. Pam of San Diego also sent a joke collection --- actual inscriptions on tombstones. Jill of Eagle Rock sent a link to a lengthy statistic of world population --- not exactly a joke but it should give you more realistic concept of how blessed you really are. Lastly, Frances of Los Angeles writes a touching farewell email that brought me to tears. If you knew Frances, you'd be brought to tears too.

TGIF people!

Address all suggestions and questions to: .

Doorbell at the Pearly Gates
sent by Russ of Monrovia, CA

Saint Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again.

St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on."

So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.

Grandchildren
sent by Shag of New York

I don't think I've ever gotten a more adorable collection of quotes. I almost died of "cute-ness." --- Raoul

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front ya rd. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Video of the week

Park Magic
sent by Shag and David --- both of New York

Step right up folks! If you want to see something shocking, you've come to the right place. Send in your theories on how this was accomplished. I'll have to admit, this was pretty well done.
(Click on the picture)

Keys Me
sent by Katinka of the Philippines

Welcome to the karaoke capital of the world! Filipinos love to sing. It doesn't matter what the words are --- as long as it sounds right, forget the actual lyrics ---- they sing it! Focus not on her skimpy attire but on her words. I mean ... what was she thinking?
(Click on the picture)

Feedback from Last Week's Dear Abbey Edition

From Jiming: Though you intended to be "no offense" to any ethnic origin. The joke about the white house project did lose its funny element of ethnic stereotype (and it did not quite work). I do hope your audience is not that easily offended so you can publish the original joke, which I believe will work much better as a joke.

From Pam: I just realized that I haven't gotten TGIF lately...since you switched formats a few weeks back...I thought you straightened it all out for me to continue receiving it, but I guess I must not be on the list now....can you please add me to your list?

From Tom: I didn't receive yesterday's TGIF.
(Starting with this mailing, I will be reverting to the old mailing system. See my explanation in today's blog --- Raoul)

From Debbie: Thank you! Thank you! I loved them all!! It is a great ending to a slow week or good begining for a great weekend. Happy Father's Day!!

From Rick: Another strong TGIF! Good job Raoul! If this keeps up, this free Friday fix, may turn into a pay subscription service.

From Dading: it is friday morning and i knew where to look. guys if you don't find your tgif look in your spam folder. so my day has started very well thanks to this sunshine called tgif. and the dear abby collection received from my friend bunny even made it to the funnies! thanks raoul, you are a godsend.

Raoul-isms
Raoul's mini-blog

If you remember an earlier blog, I mentioned my son, Josh, who was undecided about going to USC or Brown for College. Well he's leaving the California sun and going for the 4 seasons of Brown University. Are we going to miss him? Like hell we will! But we need him to grow and though it pains us immensely, we know this is God's will for him.

Allow me to boast but I need to tell you about last week. Josh had been busy typing away in his computer. We thought it was for some school project but it was actually a surprise to the family. At the graduation, we were shocked to see his name in the program for the commencement exercise --- he wrote the graduation speech! It was short, witty and powerful. It brought several people to tears. What a great gift to us!

* * * *

If you were among the subscribers who didn't get my TGIF jokes for the past 3 weeks, I apologize. I transferred to another mailing program hoping to make life easier for you but that new mailing program had too many bugs in it. It prevented me from fixing things from my end and depended heavily on the readers (computer savvy or not) to follow directions. So we're back to the old mailing program. If you have unsubscribed and are still getting this email, please click here to unsubscribe.

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Tombstones
sent by Pam of San Diego, CA

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see If the car was on the way down. It was.

* * * *

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

* * * *

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.

* * * *

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

* * * *

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

* * * *

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.

* * * *

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

* * * *

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

* * * *

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

* * * *

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.

* * * *

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

* * * *

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

* * * *

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

* * * *

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

World Statistics
sent by Jill of Eagle Rock, CA

If you're feeling down in the dumps. A little perspective of who you are and what blessings you have should give you hope. Click here for an interesting set of statistics.

Final Email
sent by Frances of Glendale, CA

Sad news. One of our subscribers sent me her last email. I hope you can empathize with Frances. --- Raoul

I'm happy to say this will be my last e-mail.

Things have been a bit tough today and life is getting shorter and shorter every day. I want to take time and smell the roses. Therefore, I am going to quit e-mailing jokes and travel full-time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can.

Don't worry about me - they are all like really nice people. It has been nice emailing you!

Click here for a photo of the biker gang.