Raoul's TGIF Joke of the Week

July 28, 2006

Greetings workers of the world! As you know, I just re-send the best joke(s) I get from the emails I gather for that one week. If this is your first time to receive this, welcome to a new and (hopefully) entertaining addiction!

When I read the Diagnosis joke sent in by Don of Pasadena, I couldn't stop laughing. Bernie of Virginia sent a clever business strategy that might actually work. Of course, Our TGIF one liner comes courtesy of Mike of NYC. If you listen to the BLUES, Ed of Burbank sends tips on how to write it. Our video comes from Don of Pasadena who sends a video you'll sure to listen to again and again. And speaking of dogs, Rod of Glendale's pictures of costumed dogs clinches the set.

TGIF people!

Address all suggestions and questions to: .

Diagnosis
sent by Don of Pasadena

After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterwards, the doctor comes out with the results.

'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' says the physician. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.'

'Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?'

'Ten,' the doctor replies, shaking his head.

'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?'

The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine

…

This is how business is done
sent by Bernie of Virginia

For the sakxxx--- Raoul

DAD FINDS A BRIDE FOR HIS SON

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

TGIF One Liner
sent by Mike of New York

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Raoul-isms

Last Saturday we watched the Sound of Music on stage. I thought it was a professional production that was doing it but it turned out to be a notch lower --- at least it seemed like it. Surprisingly, it was one of the "fun-est" evening our family has had in a long time. My eldest daughter brought her boyfriend (dragged him to come actually), my son brought his girlfriend and another girl. My youngest daughter was supposed to bring a friend along but she thought it was going to be a stinker of an evening --- boy! did she regret not bringing her friends! We had never been to the Santa Monica beach at night. We should have eaten before the play because at almost 11:00 in the evening we were looking for a place to eat and all the restaurants (that I could afford) were closed --- I so wanted to dine beside the beach. We wound up at Denny's, an all-American restaurant. We had a great time with the kids chattering about the play. Thanks to my good friend Ed who provided our theater tickets!

* * * *

There is a heat wave here in the L.A. area. We've had record heat levels going past a hundred degrees. When my regular Sunday basketball group start to play at 6:00 p.m. instead of the regular 3:00, you know it's hot! Brownouts and power shortages are common.

* * * *

Thanks to all of you who have been visiting the website version of this TGIF Joke and clicking on my Google Ad sponsors at the bottom of the pages. I have earned some change good enough for a very light snack.

* * * *

I suspect that some of your emails get relegated to the trash especially if you are writing me for the first time. To avoid being labeled as SPAM, please start your subject line with "TGIF " --- that should grab my attention for sure.

* * * *

It's been a long week. I'm so glad for weekends! Thank God it's Friday!.

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Video of the week
Talking Dogs
sent by Don of Pasadena

This is amazing! Listen closely and you will actually hear these pooches talk. The last one is the best!
(Click on the picture)

TGIF Picture Jokes

Why Dogs Attack People
sent by Rod of Glendale

If I were a dog and was forced to wear these sissy costumes, I'd bite my masters. --- Raoul

Feedback from Last Week's May I Go First Edition

From Don: Re: having so many of his jokes chosen --- I am sort of embarrassed. I sent you a bunch of stuff that I have in my humor file because I thought you might be able to use one--not four!! I guess you must have been hard up for material this week, so at least I am glad my deluge was timed correctly. I am into puns and have some great stuff to send you when I can find it. In the meantime, here is one I enjoyed when I was in high school. Definition of a nudist: a buff buff.

Vivien: Ang galling!!!!!!!! [Translation: That was great!]

From Pete: Re: having his joke chosen for last week's set of jokes --- I have been looking for jokes worthy of TGIF. I am glad my first submission was picked. I feel a little bit part of TGIF when you see your jokes in it.

From Terry: The church bloopers are always a hoot. Yes, and they do remind me of a dumb old joke I'm sure everyone's heard. An elderly church usher, who has already helped himself to more than his share of the communion wine and is attempting to guide a lady parishoner to her seat for the service, sputters, "Mardon me, Padam. This pie is occupewed. May I sew you to another sheet?"

From Joel: This is one of your best ever! Loved the youtube link on elena lev, and the world cup head butt versions!

From Dading: The church bloopers really cracked me up. So glad I remembered to get my TGIF by going directly to the site. In the afterlife I will understand why your TGIF does not make it even to my spam folder. Thanks again Raoul.

From Leo: Re; sending a long joke. This may not exactly be TGIF material due to the language and length but nevertheless I thought you might want to enhance it with your fantastic illustrations and then share it with everyone.

Leo: You were right. As much as I would have wanted to include your contribution, it was too long. I still appreciate your contribution. --- Raoul

From Shag: Re: the magic trick of the woman split in two --- I asked my friend, who sent me the video on the magic trick with the woman’s bottom half coming off. The ‘victim’ was part of the trick, as was the woman who was pulling on the bottom half. The ‘victim’ was born without legs and when the magician was pushing on her stomach, he was really unhooking the legs from her. Because she starts screaming and freaking out right away, it takes the attention away from the fact that she is actually quite agile on her hands. Because she is used to walking on her hands. So she has the strength to run away using her hands. The woman pulling on her arms and the rest of the audience are real. The legs have a mechanical part to it that enables the woman to walk - it’s a mechanical prosthetic. So even if her top half is detached, the mechanism in the legs is still on and is still able to move. Cool trick, huh? I freaked out when I first saw it and had to coerce my friend into telling me how it was done.

Rules of the Blues
sent by Ed of Burbank

For all you dudes out there in blues-land, here is a blueprint for makin' your very own tune...

1. Most blues begin with "I woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You can't have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. your first name is a southern state like Georgia. d. you shot a man in Memphis. e. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you once were blind but now can see. c. the man in Memphis lived c. you have a 401K or a trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee Blues beverages are NOT: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim-Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a tennis match.

16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues

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