Greetings workers of the world! As you know, I just re-send the best joke(s) I get from the emails I gather for the week. If this is your first time to receive this, welcome to a new and (hopefully) entertaining addiction!

A Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Thanks go to Mike of New York, Debbie of Temple City, Ding of Vancouver, Mike of Arcadia, Jojo the ex-navy man, Ed of Burbank, Bernie of Virginia, Ana of Burbank, who contributed to this long list of jokes and videos.

TGIF people!

Address all suggestions and questions to: .

The Silent Debate
sent by Mike of New York

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Confusing English
sent by Ed of Burbank, CA

Can you read these right the first time?

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
  
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  
  
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  
  
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

An Upscale Bar
sent by Ding of Vancouver

How many musical notations can you squeeze in a story? If you thought English was the only way that you could have "pun" with, here's one for the musicians in the group.

C, E-flat and G entered a bar.

The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors."

The E-flat left and the C and G had an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth was diminished and the G was out flat.

An F entered and tried to augment the situation but was not sharp enough.

A D entered and excused himself to the bathroom, saying, "I'll just be a second."

An A entered but the bartender wasn't convinced that this relative of C was not a minor.

Then the bartender noticed a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. "Get out, right now!" he exclaimed. "You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The next night the E-flat returned to the bar in a 3-piece suit.

The bartender said, "You're looking sharp tonight. This could be a major development."

This was the case, when the E-flat took off the suit and everything else to stand there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobered up and realized in horror that he was under a rest.

He was brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and was sentenced to ten years of D.S. without the possibility of a Coda.

On appeal, he was found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, because the accusation was bassless.

The bartender decided he needed a rest -- and closed the bar.

TGIF Videos

Obviously not a Texan
sent by Debbie of Temple City

click for video

A funny TV blooper. You know this newscaster is not a Texan.

Dymo Labeler
sent by Ding of Vancouver

click for video

Funny clip shows the importance of having things labeled properly.

Why Grandma Should Not Skydive
sent by Bernie of Virginia
(from the TGIF archives Dec. 30, 2004)

click for video

This grandma had the thrill of her life but she forgot to secure something very important.

Trombone Dancer
sent by Ana of Burbank
(from the TGIF archives Nov. 12, 2004)

click for video

Who says white men can't jump ... and dance ... and play the trombone. This guy's got real talent.

Why? Why? Why?
sent by Ed of Burbank, CA

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  
  
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• 
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
  

ADVERTISEMENT

ALIEN ALARM
sent by Mike of Arcadia, CA

Here's something you can send to your friends.

ATTENTION!

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

Accident Report
sent by Jojo an ex-Navy man who used to board the USS Midway

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent to the Workers Compensation board and is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You
will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Sneaky Age Calculator
sent by Debbie of Temple City, CA

If you ever wanted to know someone's real age over dinner this is a neat way to find out. Try it out yourself.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
   (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
   
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .
   If you haven't, add 1755.
   
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
7. You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number --- the number of times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

2006 IS THE ONLY YEAR THIS TRICK WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

Feedback

From Belen - The Dear Abby/Harley joke really cracked me up! And I was really
blessed reading your "Helping Day." This Thanksgiving, I thank God for friends like you who continue to inspire and bring cheer to folks like us.

From Jennifer - Just wanna say that your jokes brighten up my day. Also, I really love the tiger and the piglet pictures. Thanks a lot!

From Anita (the wife of the soldier whose caricature I drew last issue) - I LOVE IT! I will forward this to Dave he will enjoy this. Please "Thank" Raoul for taking his time to do this and his support is greatly appreciated. Also loved the "Dear Abby" letter this could've been my hubby... LOL.

If you are wondering what he does in Afghanistan. He is special operations - civil affairs, he works with the UN and other humanitarian organizations. Also he sets up contractors to rebuild schools etc.

Thank you again, this support really came just in time, since I was so down
yesterday. Yesterday I had a run-in with someone that has a different opinion
about him being there and wished my husband harm.

I received [the] art of my hubby ... I will send it to him to Afghanistan so he will know he is appreciated, these kind of things make a huge difference in a soldiers life that is in a combat zone. Great morale booster.

From Jody (a school administrator) - Last night my husband Michael and I enjoyed a wonderful dinner with friends Sandy and Tony. I lean left and Tony leans right so we had a spirited discussion and we both enjoyed hearing the other’s point of view. One thing everyone at the table agreed on was how wonderful the service men and women are and how grateful we are to them that their work and sacrifice allowed us to have that dinner and discussion.

It seemed almost kismet that your TGIF came with the Say Thanks website link. I went right to it and sent off a card and then sent the link to the whole school asking them to do the same. I know before I dig into my turkey plate next week I will bow my head and say thanks to these brave folk and ask the universe to bring them home safe and sound to share next year’s feast with their families. Peace,

From Rick - Nice job on your TGIF! I enjoyed the laughs, and appreciate all you do to put this together each and every week. I hope you get some much needed rest and relaxation
this weekend.

From Ding (commenting on my motivation to help others) - You've said it so well ... sometimes, I forget why. And thanks again for reminding me.